Notes from Addiction
24/09/06 12:18 Filed in: Sordid Personal
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I don't
know much about chemical addiction: hard drugs, cigarettes, coffee
-- but I know a thing or two about psychological addiction. I
started playing video games when I was 8, but it wasn't until I was
14 that a sudden influx of income permitted me to buy and play
games at a previously unknown level. Weekends dissolved. Weeknights
evaporated. The peak of my "problem" was in university, living with
my good friend Matt. Matt has more games than anyone I know and he
generously shared them with me. Within 2 years I had purchased a
Xbox and a Gamecube and I spent my weekends and most of the summer
of 2004 moving from one distraction to another.
Then I finished university. I looked back from the vista provided and saw a string of unread books, a relatively small social life and a total lack of a girlfriend or anything resembling a date. More importantly, I saw the future: living in Japan, working and then letting video games sop up the rest of my time. Moreover, I needed money, so I quit video games and sold the lot.
The pain of the transition was soothed by a totally new circumstance. However, Japan is possibly the worst place in the world to go if you want to be free of vids! When I arrived and found out that even one of my students worked for Nintendo, I knew I was in for trouble. Even so, I persevered, with only slight lapses in temporary situations like arcades and the visit of Matt (bearing his own games).
Until yesterday.
On a whim, though the unconscious uses the word "whim" as a shield for more nefarious doings, I went looking for Mac games on the net. I found Fallout 2, a game that friends had raved about, concerning life after nuclear war. I installed it. As though a light had suddenly burnt out, 6 hours passed. The game wasn't particularly fun, as I had played games made by the same studio after this one, and I could see what had improved in the next games. Even so, despite dying, finding the controls annoying, endlessly watching my character swinging his spear and missing and waiting again for my turn-- EVEN SO --I was totally immersed in the pursuit of items, quests and levelup opportunities. I wasn't even enjoying the game, but I was drawn into the activity.
Scientists call the drug that is released during concentration dopamine, I think. Like a guy craving a cigarette after 20 years, I felt the same desire, but also the guilt. I knew I had betrayed myself and my resolution to quit. Playing was a guilty exercise that violated one of my values "time is the most precious commodity". So, I deleted it all in a fit of self-disgust.
Apologists will say: we need a way to relax, it is just as much a waste of time as any other idle hobby so there is no harm in it, it isn't a waste of time if we enjoy it. However, my problem with vids is that they are almost entirely a closed circuit. Yesterday, I poured myself - 6 hours - into a game that gave me a little pleasure back, but that's it. No new friends, no learning, no life-changing experiences, other than the realization that they weren't for me anymore.
It basically boils down to death. For those of you, who, like me, have been drawn into activities that produce little if anything, I suggest weighing your vice against eternity. Napoleon didn't even have time for sleep, Asimov wrote from 9:30am to 10pm everyday.
Death is tomorrow - is there something you need to do today?
Then I finished university. I looked back from the vista provided and saw a string of unread books, a relatively small social life and a total lack of a girlfriend or anything resembling a date. More importantly, I saw the future: living in Japan, working and then letting video games sop up the rest of my time. Moreover, I needed money, so I quit video games and sold the lot.
The pain of the transition was soothed by a totally new circumstance. However, Japan is possibly the worst place in the world to go if you want to be free of vids! When I arrived and found out that even one of my students worked for Nintendo, I knew I was in for trouble. Even so, I persevered, with only slight lapses in temporary situations like arcades and the visit of Matt (bearing his own games).
Until yesterday.
On a whim, though the unconscious uses the word "whim" as a shield for more nefarious doings, I went looking for Mac games on the net. I found Fallout 2, a game that friends had raved about, concerning life after nuclear war. I installed it. As though a light had suddenly burnt out, 6 hours passed. The game wasn't particularly fun, as I had played games made by the same studio after this one, and I could see what had improved in the next games. Even so, despite dying, finding the controls annoying, endlessly watching my character swinging his spear and missing and waiting again for my turn-- EVEN SO --I was totally immersed in the pursuit of items, quests and levelup opportunities. I wasn't even enjoying the game, but I was drawn into the activity.
Scientists call the drug that is released during concentration dopamine, I think. Like a guy craving a cigarette after 20 years, I felt the same desire, but also the guilt. I knew I had betrayed myself and my resolution to quit. Playing was a guilty exercise that violated one of my values "time is the most precious commodity". So, I deleted it all in a fit of self-disgust.
Apologists will say: we need a way to relax, it is just as much a waste of time as any other idle hobby so there is no harm in it, it isn't a waste of time if we enjoy it. However, my problem with vids is that they are almost entirely a closed circuit. Yesterday, I poured myself - 6 hours - into a game that gave me a little pleasure back, but that's it. No new friends, no learning, no life-changing experiences, other than the realization that they weren't for me anymore.
It basically boils down to death. For those of you, who, like me, have been drawn into activities that produce little if anything, I suggest weighing your vice against eternity. Napoleon didn't even have time for sleep, Asimov wrote from 9:30am to 10pm everyday.
Death is tomorrow - is there something you need to do today?
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